Rattle, rattle

Used to say we have not been taught to be older, just to be young.
But what I meant was we have been lied to about what getting older actually is.
It is nothing.
You don’t get to a point where you suddenly have your shit together.
Mostly because shit only knows to fall apart.
There is a wisdom that comes with age, but you will still feel very much inadequate, ill-equipped and/or odd at times.
In many ways, perhaps the worst ways, I still feel so young.
Not «oh, there’s still time» young. Thirteen young.
Perhaps because I don’t have the next generation breathing down my neck.
People are only expected/forced to «act their age» when they become parents.
Since I am yet to become anyone’s anything, I continue to be just me.
The same me I’ve always been. Perhaps since I was thirteen.
Nearly twenty years laters one could argue I’m on overtime, but I’m merely living.
And if you were afforded such a luxury, dear breeder, you’d be on the same boat.

I don’t know where I’m going with this.
My grandpa died less than a year ago. My dad died this past Saturday.
I have no children. I’ll have no children.
Feeling kind of out of context.
The last male, disconnected from lineage.
Also, I’ve missed both funerals so it’s kind of like cheating death a little bit.
But then again I am the end of the family line, so I am death in a way.
I’ve all these silly little thoughts in my head.
Like loose change, rattling inside my skull.
It’s kind of a drag.
It’s kind of familiar.
It’s thirteen going on thirty-three.

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